I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
