Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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