I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I need a beard to bite.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
