My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
