I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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