new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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