high people should be assigned attendants
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
not ubering you a puppy
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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