he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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