Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
