so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
