I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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