I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pants are for mortals
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
