Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
