So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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