When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
