My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
And then he peed in my hair
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