I wanna bring you to show and tell
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
