Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize