i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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