mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize