So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He called his prostate his "boner button".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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