My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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