is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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