He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
