i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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