last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
