Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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