dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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