Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize