You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
