My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
