I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
