You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
