we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
