So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
