Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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