At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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