You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
