My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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