Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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