please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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