I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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