dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
