is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
