I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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