I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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