I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
