he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
