I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
