If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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