Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
