my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
