I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
