dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
