What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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