Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
