ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
