i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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