I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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