Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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