I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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