Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
