"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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